


Growing Pains

by criesmom



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Disabled Character, M/M, Multi, Single Parents, Special Needs Education AU, Trans Male Character, all the dreamies + lucas are special needs, all the others work at the school
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-17
Updated: 2019-02-12
Packaged: 2019-08-24 21:30:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16648172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/criesmom/pseuds/criesmom
Summary: Johnny has worked hard to have his own classroom at a special needs school, and he loves all of his students equally. Although, he has to admit he has a soft spot for Moon Donghyuck and his father.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> some disclaimers !!
> 
> I am a teacher aide at a special needs school, so this is based on how we run things. That said, the relationship that will develop between Johnny and Taeil is COMPLETELY inappropriate and would never happen in real life, I just think it's cute.  
> I work very closely with children in a range of developmental stages, but mostly with primary/elementary age autistic kids, so the dreamies will fall into that! If you have any questions about the way special education works feel free to ask, I'll try to explain as much as I can without breeching confidentiality rules lmfao. Other than that, I am also on the spectrum so hopefully my portrayal of the autistic dreamies will be accurate uwu. If you want a full break down of the dreamies' diagnoses etc. then let me know and I'll be more than happy to share that !!!  
> This first chapter is sort of an introduction to the universe, but the real plot will start in the next chapter and things will hopefully make more sense hehe

Johnny was sitting at his desk getting the good morning songs ready for the children when Jungwoo started working in his classroom. He was in his second year of university and had chosen to pick up a couple of days at the school between his classes. Taeyong was already there, sitting at one of the low tables and cleaning the laminated sheets the students used to write their names.

“Hi, sorry I’m late,” Jungwoo said, walking across the room and sticking his hand out to Johnny. “I’m Jungwoo.”

Johnny looked at the clock over Jungwoo’s shoulder as he shook his hand. “Johnny, nice to meet you. And don’t worry, you’re actually right on time.” He looked at his laptop and pulled up the email he’d received the night before. “You’re only contracted to start at eight thirty.”

“Oh.” Jungwoo adjusted the strap of his bag. “That’s good then.”

Johnny smiled at him, hoping that it was reassuring. “That’s Taeyong over there.” Taeyong waved to Jungwoo who looked at him over his shoulder. “And you can put your bag in the cabinet next to the sink.”

“Thanks,” Jungwoo said, already walking towards the sink. “Is there anything that needs doing?”

Taeyong stood up, handing the wet wipes to Jungwoo. “Could you finish cleaning these? I should go wait for the kids at the taxis.”

“Sure thing.” Jungwoo sat down, looking far too big for the tiny chairs.

It was a slow day; a few of the kids were out sick, meaning that Johnny would have three teacher aides for only four children, but he didn’t feel the need to tell the staff manager. Doyoung came in at nine o’clock exactly, Jeno and Mark gripping his hands as Chenle opened the door in front of him. Taeyong helped Mark write his name, hand over hand, while Chenle wrote his own independently. Jungwoo sat next to Jeno who leant almost completely in his lap and scribbled on the laminated paper.

Doyoung leant down and wiped it clean. “Jeno, sit up and write your name please.”

Jungwoo looked up, face concerned. “Are we not allowed to let them lean on us?”

Johnny lifted his head. “That’s fine, they just have to stay on task. So, make sure he writes his name first, then stick it up on the board,” he pointed at the Velcro section with his pen, “and then he can have a hug.”

Jungwoo nodded and looked down to monitor Jeno’s progress. The door to the classroom opened and Donghyuck entered at full speed, hitting his body full on the opposite wall and falling back onto the carpet. Johnny stood up and walked over to him, offering a hand.

“Whoops! Come on, Hyuck, stand up.” Donghyuck grabbed his hand and giggled up at him. “Ready? One, two, three!” on three, Johnny pulled Donghyuck up to stand, then turned him in the direction of the door. “Go put your bag away buddy.”

Johnny followed as Donghyuck ran to get his bag from his father, who was standing in the doorway and looking exhausted.

“Morning Taeil,” Johnny said, and gestured for them to step outside.

“Morning.”

“How’s Hyuck been at home?”

Taeil ran a hand over his face. “He’s been alright, but he didn’t get much sleep last night. Oh, and if his mouth looks a little green don’t worry, it’s just food dye.”

Johnny raised a brow. “Food dye?”

Taeil nodded. “Well, he only eats green food, so I thought I’d dye some pasta green to get him to eat it, but I think I added too much.”

“Did it work?”

“Yeah, really well. I’ve packed him some for today, it might need reheating, though.”

“Okay, I’ll let Taeyong know.”

Taeil reached out and gripped Johnny’s bicep, a little harder than Johnny was expecting. “Thank you so much, Johnny. For everything, I,” he took a steadying breath, “I don’t know what we’d do without you.”

Johnny smiled at him. “Your son is a good kid, Taeil. It’s a privilege to have him in my class.”

Just as the words left his mouth, he heard a crash and a loud cry from inside the classroom, followed by Taeyong saying; “Hyuck, pick it up. We do _not_ throw things at people.”

They looked at each other for a moment, mouths twitching before they both broke into giggles. Johnny wanted to pat Taeil’s shoulder, but he felt it was a professional line he shouldn’t cross. He opted instead for a nod.

“I better get back in there, have a nice day.”

“You too Johnny, I’ll see you after school.”

 

Johnny told himself when he started working at the special school – his first job with his brand-new Master’s in Special Education – that he wouldn’t have favourites, and for a long time, he didn’t. But then, six months into the job, Donghyuck came into his class, hiding behind his mother’s legs and looking around the room with interest. He was tiny and shy and Johnny fell in love with him as soon as he said his first words to Johnny. He had reached up and stuck a finger into Johnny’s dimple, asking why he had holes in his face.

Johnny didn’t remember much of Donghyuck’s mother; she had left Taeil two months after Donghyuck started at their school. The only reason Taeil had given was that it was “too much for her”. It broke Johnny’s heart, to think that someone didn’t want Donghyuck.

Two years later, Donghyuck had made more progress than any of Johnny’s other students, apart from Lucas who had transitioned to a satellite class earlier in the year. Donghyuck was the most verbal, just ahead of Jeno who _could_ carry a conversation, he just chose not to. He could count to twenty already at just eight years old, and Johnny was talking to the speech therapist about possibly teaching him sign language. Though it pained him, Johnny knew that Donghyuck was close to transitioning himself.

They all had favourites, really. Taeyong liked the little ones, which meant he favoured Renjun, who was shorter than all of them and liked to crawl up in Taeyong’s lap. Doyoung tried to always sit himself behind Jeno at circle times, using Jeno’s restlessness as an excuse to wrap arms around him. Sometimes Johnny wished that he had been a teacher aide so that he didn’t have as much of a professional boundary between himself and the students, but he didn’t much like the idea of changing nappies.

When he got back into the class, Chenle launched himself at Johnny, arms secured around his waist. Johnny pried his arms off and crouched down, reaching up to cup Chenle’s face.

“Hey, bub, you’re okay.” He swiped his thumbs over Chenle’s cheeks as Chenle continued to cry.

Caving, Johnny pulled Chenle in for a hug, regretting squatting as his thighs burned.

Over Chenle’s shoulder, he saw Donghyuck approaching them, looking thoroughly reprimanded. He tapped Chenle’s back and Chenle detached himself from Johnny, only to fall back onto him once he saw Donghyuck’s face.

Donghyuck looked down at the ground. “Sorry.”

“For what, Chenle?” Taeyong prompted from where he was helping Mark stick his name on the board.

“For throwing the book at you.”

Across the room, Doyoung disguised his laugh as a cough.

Johnny supressed a smile himself. “Chenle says th?”

“Thank you.” Chenle’s voice was muffled in Johnny’s chest.

Johnny looked up at Taeyong. “Should we give him the iPad? Just until he calms down?”

“Sure, hey Jungwoo, right?”

Jungwoo perked up from where he had Jeno sitting in his lap. “Yeah?”

“In the cupboard there,” Taeyong pointed to a cupboard in the corner, “there’s a bunch of iPads, could you grab one for Hyuck and just watch him on it? He’ll just watch soap cutting videos or something but we don’t want him doing anything more than that.”

The rest of the morning went as usual; watching videos about counting to ten on the smart board and then getting the kids to do small exercises relating to the video. Doyoung, being the most senior teacher aide in their classroom, kept an eye on Jungwoo and made sure he knew what he was doing. Taeyong helped Chenle pick off stickers to put down on paper in the shape of the numbers. While the others helped the kids with their exercises, Johnny ran some tests to see how they were progressing with learning at least what the numbers _looked_ like. It didn’t much matter to him if they could count, apart from maybe Donghyuck and Jeno, who were far higher functioning than the other students. Donghyuck was always willing to do the tests, with the promise of an iPad motivating him. Jeno, however, was a little more reluctant to co-operate and took a little more persuading.

By the time Johnny went on break, his head was pounding with the amount that Mark was screaming – not over anything in particular, he just screamed sometimes – and was looking forward to being off his feet. Jungwoo happened to be on break at the same time as him, so Johnny sat next to him and kept him company.

“How are you finding it so far?” he asked, then biting into his apple.

Jungwoo nodded as he swallowed a mouthful of coffee. “It’s alright, needs a bit of adjusting, I think.”

Johnny chuckled. “I don’t blame you. I should get in contact with someone to see if you can have some training. The other TAs have it at the start of the year but –”

“Because I’ve started halfway through, yeah. That’d be great, thank you.”

Johnny waved a hand in dismissal as Kun sat down on his right.

“Hey Johnny, this your new recruit?”

Jungwoo reached a hand across and Kun shook it. “Jungwoo, nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you too, I’m Kun, I run the developmental rooms.”

Jungwoo nodded as if he knew what Kun was talking about, making Johnny stifle a laugh.

Johnny lent over to Jungwoo a bit. “We’ll be taking the kids in there this afternoon, so you’ll see what it is.”

“Okay, cool.”

They spent the rest of their break talking about the students and conversing about the progress they were making. Johnny liked taking his break at the same time as Kun; he was happy and talkative and also the father of one of Johnny’s past students.

“How’s Lucas doing?” Johnny asked, and Kun rolled his eyes.

“He thinks he’s a dog right now. Every morning I wake him up and he goes ‘I’m not a human boy, Dad, I’m a dog,’ and starts replying to me in barks. All he does is walk around the house barking.”

Johnny nodded thoughtfully while Jungwoo tried to hold in his laughter. “He did always like dogs, didn’t he?”

“It’s exhausting, Johnny, you have no idea.”

At that moment, Johnny saw movement out of the corner of his eye as Mark tried to come into the staff room, one of the other teachers, Jaehyun, hot on his heels. Johnny was quick to stand up, crossing the room and helping to steer Mark back out of the door.

“Nice try, buddy. Better luck next time,” Johnny said as Jaehyun guided Mark back down the steps to the playground.

“Thanks, John.”

“No problem.” Johnny slid the door to the staff room shut and locked it before taking his place at the table again.

Jungwoo cleared his throat. “Does that happen often?”

Johnny nodded. “Yeah, especially because Mark’s a bit of a runner.”

Kun snorted. “Not as bad as Renjun.”

“God, don’t remind me,” Johnny said through a groan.

Jungwoo just laughed at the exchange, clearly out of politeness as he had no idea who Renjun was. Soon after, Jaehyun came in to ring the bell, and Johnny explain to Jungwoo that they had to go out and fetch the children. He showed him where they made the students wait, instructing Jungwoo to sit there with Mark while he, Taeyong and Doyoung went to find the others. He discovered Donghyuck sitting under the bridge on the playground, digging into the dirt and eating the bark. Johnny heaved a sign and crouched down, offering a hand to Donghyuck.

“Come on, Hyuckie, bark is finished.” He curled his fingers into a loose fist, his thumb resting against his forefinger in something akin to a thumbs up and shook it slightly – the sign language for “finished”.

Donghyuck squealed a little, grabbing more bark to put in his mouth before Johnny took hold of his wrist and lowered his voice. “Donghyuck, bark is finished.”

Reluctantly, Donghyuck dropped the bark and fitted his hand in Johnny’s, allowing Johnny to help him up. They walked back through to the rest of the class together, Donghyuck’s steps significantly smaller than Johnny’s, and Johnny leaning to one side so Donghyuck could reach his hand.

After morning tea was toileting – which Jungwoo was exempt from on his first day – followed by reading, which was just Johnny reading a book to the children and playing related videos afterwards. He brought out soft toys for the students to play with and gave Chenle a puzzle that he sprawled out on the floor with and put together in record time.

As Johnny watched his students he was overtaken by a wave of affection. He’d waited five years to get his own classroom, and he couldn’t have asked for a better bunch of kids to work with. Each of them had such unique personalities and were at different developmental stages, but they all seemed to work well together. Jeno was leaning all his weight into Doyoung’s lap, Chenle was tugging Jungwoo over to look at his puzzle, Taeyong was tucking Mark’s hair behind his ear while Mark squirmed in his seat, and Donghyuck was working independently on a matching game. Johnny was proud of what he’d built alongside Doyoung and Taeyong, of the progress he’d made himself in just a couple of years.

 

Johnny lived in an old state house near the school with his best friend, Ten. The two had met in primary school, when Ten was still wearing splints and Johnny was asked to be Ten’s friend by the teachers. They’d been close ever since, and Johnny had been alongside Ten every step of the way as he worked through his cerebral palsy.

Ten was lying on the couch when Johnny got home, his walking stick leant against the coffee table as he typed away on his laptop. He shot Johnny a bright smile before looking back at the screen.

“How was work?”

“Good, Taeil brought Donghyuck in and we had a new teacher aide helping out.”

“Oh, Mister Moon?” Ten cocked a brow and Johnny rolled his eyes.

“It was just to talk about Donghyuck’s lunch, relax.”

Ten shrugged. “Bet he put a hand on your arm again.”

Johnny couldn’t help the heat that rose in his cheeks. Ten had tried his hand at teacher aiding the previous year, had seen the way Taeil made Johnny blush and how touchy he got. He couldn’t deny that where he had a soft spot for Donghyuck, Johnny had also taken a liking to his father. Taeil was often frazzled and a bit dishevelled, but he always made sure his son was well looked after, and the compassion he showed to Donghyuck warmed Johnny’s heart.

“And what if he did?”

“God, I can’t wait for you to ask him out one day.”

“You know I can’t, Ten. That goes against _so_ many rules, and if I got involved with Taeil then Donghyuck would have to move classes, or I would have to move schools, and I can’t do that. I’ve worked too hard for my class.”

Ten waved a hand. “I get it, Johnny. It just seems a shame.”

Johnny had to agree with him. “Maybe when Donghyuck goes to the satellite class. _Maybe,_ ” he stressed when Ten’s face picked up, “ _maybe_ I’ll try to initiate something.”

“That’s enough for me, I’ll leave it. For now.”

Johnny breathed a sigh of relief. He really didn’t want to have to confront his feelings for Taeil then, or ever really. It was too messy – too complicated. There were too many rules and codes of conducts that would get in the way of anything coming of it, anyway. And he didn’t want to risk Donghyuck’s education being damaged as a result. It was better for Johnny to push it all down, at least until Donghyuck graduated. No matter how many times Johnny’s heart skipped a beat at even just the thought of Taeil.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello !! i'm not dead !!   
> this is where the plot starts and school is finishing next week so hopefully i'll have more time to update this !! for those of you interested, [here is a thread](https://twitter.com/seoqian/status/1064449526600069121) explaining each member's role and diagnosis in the story, so if you want more information about that then have a look! i'm also on [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/soonsqyu) if you have anymore questions uwu

Johnny often frequented the food court at the major shopping centre near his house. It was a twenty-minute drive and there was a good Indian place with even better rogan josh, and gave Johnny an oppourtunity to people watch.

Johnny had minored in classical literature while he was at university, and when inspiration struck him he would take out his note book and pen and write little stories about the people that he saw. The young couple walking past with their engagement rings, the mother and daughter at the table next to him, the retail worker on their break; everyone served as inspiration to him.

He was pulled out of his story line about the McDonald’s worker by a high-pitched squeal across the food court. Several other people around him turned their heads in the direction of the noise, and Johnny felt his heart drop when he saw what it came from.

Taeil, face beet red, was crouching down next to Donghyuck who had thrown himself on the floor. Taeil seemed to be whispering something to Donghyuck, who thrashed about and screamed whenever he caught sight of his father. More and more people turned to look at them, some even stopping as they walked past just to gawk as the scene escalated. Johnny felt torn; he knew it would be somewhat inappropriate to just waltz up to them, but the larger part of him that saw the panic in Taeil’s eyes won over. He got up out of his seat and briskly walked over to the pair, ignoring the small crowd that had gathered around them.

When he reached Donghyuck’s side, he fell down into a crouch and started singing softly, seeing Taeil’s head snap to look up at him in the corner of his eye.

“Skidamarink a dink a dink, skidamarink a doo,” Johnny’s voice was a little shaky given the circumstances, but Donghyuck seemed to recognise him as he rolled over. He was quiet for a moment before catching sight of Johnny and screaming again. “I love you. Skidamarink a dink a dink skidamarink a doo – ”

Taeil’s joined in, taking Johnny a little by surprise. “I love you.”

They sang the rest of the song together, Taeil placing a gentle hand on Donghyuck’s back. “I love you in the morning and in the afternoon, I love you in the evening and underneath the moon so skidamarink a dink a dink skidamarink a doo.”

Donghyuck, still face down on the floor, let out a muffled; “I love you.”

Taeil breathed a sigh of relief, leaning down to speak softly to his son. “Hyuckie can you stand up for me please?”

Donghyuck took a moment, but he finally rolled over, face wet but smiling as he allowed his father to help him stand. Johnny stood up as well, giving Taeil a small smile. He looked more tired than usual, the bags under his eyes worse than his son’s, which were almost permanent. Autistic children never slept well.

Johnny stood in front of them awkwardly, looking around as the crowd dispersed and trying not to let his anger towards them show. After Taeil had finished checking that Donghyuck was alright, he looked up at Johnny.

“Thank you, Johnny. God, this is so embarrassing, I’m so sorry.”

Johnny shook his head quickly. “It’s not a problem at all, don’t be embarrassed. And Donghyuck’s alright now, aren’t you buddy?”

Donghyuck looked up at Johnny, craning his neck as a bright smile spread across his face.

Taeil shifted on his feet. “Still, not an ideal way to see you outside of school for the first time.”

Something about that made Johnny’s breath hitch in his throat. “Would you like to join me for lunch?”

And so that’s how they ended up at a table outside, watching Donghyuck as he got closer and closer to the water fountain. Johnny had bought them all McDonald’s, Donghyuck’s face lighting up when he got his ten pack of chicken nuggets. They chatted about how Donghyuck was doing at school, the fact that he’d recently taken a liking to Jaemin, another student in his class. About how Johnny was planning a unit on Disney the next term and how Taeil was trying to get a job.

“Usually,” he said, looking down at his chips as he picked at them, “I can pay rent with my dole money, you know? But the government sucks and doesn’t let it get to me in time for my rent.” He let out a deep sigh, his shoulders sagging. “I got an eviction notice yesterday.”

Johnny knew that Taeil struggled with money. After his wife left him, he had to be a full time parent with no support. His parents lived overseas and didn’t accept Donghyuck’s condition, he had to move out of his house to something more affordable, and looking after Donghyuck had forced him to leave his job. Donghyuck often came to school in the same clothes several days in a row, holes wearing fast in his shorts and shoes. The one thing they had going for themselves was a room they shared in a small house, one occupied by several other people. To hear that Taeil was about to lose that as well broke Johnny’s heart.

“I’m so sorry, Taeil. If there’s anything I, or the school can do for you, know that we’re here for you.” He hesitated before reaching a hand across the table, just leaving it there for Taeil to make the decision. “We’re here to support you and Donghyuck through anything.”

Taeil bit his lip, observing Johnny’s hand before placing his own over it. “I can’t afford to buy him lunch this week.”

Johnny nodded, flipping his hand over so that he could squeeze Taeil’s fingers. “That’s okay, there’s a supermarket around the corner from here.”

Taeil shook his head, retreating his hand. “I can’t ask you to do that, Johnny.”

“Of course you can, it won’t be _my_ money, I’ll take it out of the class funding.”

It took a little more persuading, but eventually Taeil agreed and the three of them finished their food before making their way to the other end of the shopping centre. Donghyuck sat happily in the front of the shopping trolley while Johnny pushed it, letting Taeil load it up with lunch food for Donghyuck. Quietly, Johnny started adding other things; cereal and milk and toiletries, things that Taeil could use at home as well. He added a few packets of pasta and some meat that he knew Donghyuck liked, some rice and bread. When they got to the check out, Taeil’s eyes widened at the sight of the trolley.

“Johnny, please tell me all these things are for you,” he said, picking up a pack of nappies in Donghyuck’s size.

Johnny shook his head. “It’s okay, Taeil. This is just a one time thing; a friend helping a friend.” He knew it wasn’t just that. And Taeil knew it, too. But he figured Taeil was desperate enough to ignore the guilt so obviously churning in his stomach and pretended not to hear the total cost when it came time to pay.

Johnny walked them to Taeil’s car, Donghyuck holding tightly to his hand as they crossed the car park. Donghyuck sat up on his father’s hip as Johnny lifted the bags into the boot of the 1997 Pontiac grand prix, thanking Johnny profusely for his generosity. When the last bag was securely in place, Johnny straightened up.

“I’ll get in touch with the continence nurse to sort out his nappies for school, so don’t worry about sending them in for a while. This should all last you a couple weeks, so don’t worry about groceries for a while. And you, mister,” Johnny said, reaching up to pinch lightly at Donghyuck’s cheek, “don’t be mean to your dad, okay?”

Donghyuck giggled and kicked his legs before planting a wet kiss on Taeil’s cheek. Taeil smiled, blowing a raspberry on Donghyuck’s hand in response.

“I’ll keep you updated on how the rent situation goes.”

“Good.” Johnny shifted awkwardly on his feet. “Well, I better leave you to it. I’ll see you on Monday?”

Taeil nodded as Donghyuck leant his head down on Taeil’s shoulder. “Monday.”

 

Ten stared slack-jawed at Johnny as he relayed the events to him. When Johnny was finished, Ten looked to where his walking stick was leant against the wall.

“Life is so shit. I’ll ask Lisa if her son has grown out of any clothes, he’s a little bigger than Hyuck I think.”

Johnny picked at the paint peeling off his mug. “Thanks. I think I’ll keep them at school as spares, though. I don’t want him to feel like we’re treating him like a charity case, you know?”

Ten nodded. “It’s embarrassing I guess.”

“Humiliating,” Johnny said with a sigh. “His face before I went over to help, it was like his whole world was falling apart. I wish I could do more.”

“Try not to take it on too much, there’s only so much you can do for them.”

“I’m trying, but it’s hard. They both deserve more.”

Ten nodded solemnly. “And you deserve a work free evening.” He stood up from the table, reaching for his walking stick and using it to support him as he walked into the kitchen. “I’m cooking dinner, you find a movie to watch on Netflix or something.”

Johnny smiled at his friend, thankful that he had someone to look after him, to pull him out of his own thoughts when work got too much.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a warning for any of you guys that are a bit squeamish but there are mentions of poo in this chapter, nothing too explicit but B.Ms (bowel movements) are mentioned sdjfghs

**[Moon Taeil, 8:25am]** Hi Johnny, just letting you know that Donghyuck will be late into school today. I should hopefully be able to bring him in before 11.

 

Johnny stared down at his phone, brow creasing. It was unusual for Taeil to bring Donghyuck in late as their house was just a few streets away from the school. He thought back to the conversation they’d had the previous weekend about the eviction notice Taeil had received, and Johnny hoped it wasn’t anything to do with that. As he was typing a reply, Taeyong came in and put his bag away, immediately going to set up for the students to sign in.

“Donghyuck’s going to be late today.”

Taeyong looked up at Johnny from where he was reaching up for a whiteboard marker. “Is everything alright?”

Johnny sighed, scrubbing a hand over his face in a way that reminded him of Jeno. “Taeil hasn’t given me a reason, but I ran into him on Saturday and he told me he got an eviction notice.” He decided to leave out the supermarket trip they’d taken together.

Taeyong’s mouth fell open. “Oh god, that’s awful. Do you think…” He trailed off, the end of his sentence already hanging heavy in the air.

“Let’s hope not. Taeil’s been through enough.”

Taeyong nodded as he continued his work setting up. Johnny pretended not to notice how his eyes had gone glossy.

Other than Donghyuck, all the other students arrived on time. Doyoung joined them at nine o’clock on the dot, bringing Jisung in with a tight grip on his hand. They all signed their names and sat in a circle in front of the smart board, cycling through the morning songs while clapping along. Johnny told Doyoung what was going on as Jisung got out of his seat and clambered into his lap. Johnny put hands on his hips to keep him stable, bouncing his knee and making Jisung giggle.

“I can’t believe his money isn’t coming through on time,” Doyoung said, hands tapping a beat onto Jeno’s shoulders. “Has he contacted them?”

Johnny shrugged. “I’m not sure, I’ll have to ask him when he comes in.”

Doyoung shook his head. “I wish there was more we could do.”

Taeil and Donghyuck got to school right in the middle of jump jam, when all the students from other classes were out on the courtyard jumping or running around. Jeno was up the front with Jaehyun, who was holding a Bluetooth speaker to play the songs. Chenle was in a corner by the fence, shyly dancing along and stopping whenever he noticed someone watching him. Mark was sitting on a bench, pretending to be uninterested while Jisung spun on the spot near him. Renjun was engaged in a chasing game with Taeyong, giggling and screaming in delight as Taeyong chanted; “I’m gonna get you!” When Jaemin saw Donghyuck through the fence he bolted to the gate, grabbing onto the rails and eagerly waiting for his friend.

Johnny walked over, opening the gate to let Donghyuck into the courtyard and slipping out to walk Taeil back to the classroom. Taeil still looked tired, his jumper sporting stains that suggested it hadn’t been washed for a while. Johnny resisted the urge to pull him into a hug.

“Thanks again, for the other day.”

Johnny rubbed at the back of his neck. “You’re welcome, I’m happy to help out.” He hesitated before opening his mouth again. “Is everything okay? You’re not usually late.”

Johnny regretted it as Taeil’s ears turned red. “Yeah, everything’s fine.” He flashed Johnny a smile that failed to deepen his crow’s feet. “Donghyuck was just being a little difficult, you know how he is.”

Donghyuck had looked more than happy when Johnny saw him, but he nodded anyway. “Let me know if there’s anything you need.”

Taeil nodded. “Would Taeyong or Doyoung be free for just a second? I wanted to ask about how Donghyuck’s doing with toileting.”

Johnny nodded, opting not to point out that Johnny knew just as much as they did about toileting, and instead opened the door back out and walked Taeil to the courtyard. He spoke to Doyoung for a few minutes before waving goodbye to Donghyuck, who was too concentrated on wrapping his arms around Jaemin’s middle to notice.

After jump jam was finished, the three of them wrangled their students and took them back to the classroom, Johnny getting out the literacy boxes and working through the reading and writing exercises with Doyoung while Taeyong pulled out toys for the back of the classroom. Johnny made sure to get Donghyuck first, taking him behind one of the screens and helping him stutter through a short picture book. While Donghyuck was tracing lines with a felt pen, his tongue stuck between his teeth in concentration, Johnny cleared his throat.

“How was your morning, Hyuckie?”

It took a moment for Donghyuck to respond, so focused on his work. “Good. Papa let me have nuggets.”

Johnny quirked a smile. “How much screaming did you have to do for that?”

Donghyuck stared down at his paper. “Some. iPad?”

Johnny made a show of going over Donghyuck’s work, humming and harring to himself before letting Donghyuck pull him over to the cupboard with the iPads. He sat with it, happily kicking his feet as he scrolled through YouTube. Doyoung had just finished with Jaemin, so Johnny took the oppourtunity to ask him about Taeil.

“What did Taeil want to talk to you about?”

Doyoung looked up from where he was writing in Jaemin’s notebook. “Not much, just telling me that his back is bad so he’s been changing Donghyuck lying down, so he might not stand for us when we toilet him.”

Johnny nodded. “Okay, thanks.” He looked to the back of the class where the students were all engaged with different toys. “Is that all of them?”

Doyoung twisted in his chair, arm over the back of it as he counted them under his breath. “I think so. Should we start morning tea?”

During the playground break, Johnny was on duty on the bike track with Jaehyun. They made sure the students wore helmets if they were riding a bike, made sure the ones on scooters weren’t going too fast. When all the kids seemed to be behaving, they stood back and watched.

“I heard about Taeil,” Jaehyun said, not taking his eyes off one of his students as they rode their scooter through a gutter. “How’s Donghyuck doing?”

“He seems to be alright, actually. I don’t think he realises what’s going on, you know?”

“Yeah, that makes sense. The poor guy, he looked exhausted this morning.”

“I worry about him more than Donghyuck if I’m being honest.”

Jaehyun laughed before striding across the concrete to refasten a helmet, and Johnny let his mind wander. He wanted to be able to help Taeil find a job, to help him raise funds to pay off his rent. He had thought about looking into state housing applications before, and now it seemed like he would have to. He heaved a sigh, trying not to let it all affect him too badly.

After the bell was rung, the students were gathered and taken back to the classroom. Johnny put on some toileting songs on the smart board as Doyoung and Taeyong took the students out one by one to the bathroom. Donghyuck was taken last, by Doyoung, and Johnny played a nursery rhyme compilation when the toilet songs ran out. A few minutes later, Doyoung poked his head around the corner into the classroom, his voice sounding stuffy as if he was holding his breath.

“Donghyuck’s just had a B.M. that’s uh,” he looked back towards the bathrooms around the corner and out of sight from inside the classroom, “pretty bad. I’m just gonna shower him real quick.”

Johnny nodded, turning his attention back to the other students and checking that they were alright. When Donghyuck came back into the room, wide smile plastered on his face as he ran to the toy drawers to get out his favourite toy car, Johnny frowned. His hair was wet, which meant that Doyoung had given him a full shower in the fifteen minutes he’d been gone from the class. Johnny felt it a bit extreme, to give a student a full body shower when it was just a bowel movement that needed sorting out. He shrugged off the thought, assuming that had somehow gotten poo in his hair.

He had meant to ask Doyoung about it during their break, but it slipped his mind as he got into a conversation with the occupational therapist, Sicheng, about the splint he had ordered to help with Chenle’s cerebral palsy.

The next day went as normal, Taeil managing to get Donghyuck to class before nine o’clock. The day after that, Doyoung did the same thing of telling Johnny Donghyuck had had a bowel movement that required a shower, Donghyuck bounding back into the room with wet hair. Over the course of the next couple of weeks, Johnny noticed that there was a pattern; every two or three days, Donghyuck would have a shower out in the bathroom, Doyoung or Taeyong passing it off as a bowel movement.

It just didn’t add up to Johnny. When he wrote in Donghyuck’s notebook asking Taeil if there had been a change in Donghyuck’s diet, Taeil brushed it off, saying that Donghyuck was eating fine and not to worry about it. This in itself worried Johnny, as the groceries he’d bought for Taeil should have run out at that point. But again, he dismissed it; Taeil’s dole money must have come through.

One Friday, when the weather was particularly nice, Johnny decided to go to the bakery up the road to buy himself lunch, indulging after a week of Ten’s “points free” salads. He fell into step with Doyoung, who was smiling down at his phone as they walked.

Debating for a moment, Johnny threw caution to the wind. “I have a question about Donghyuck’s toileting.”

Doyoung looked up at from his phone. “Yeah?”

Johnny tried to figure out how to word it. “Is he, you know,” he moved his hands around for a moment, “slinging his poo?”

Doyoung stopped in his tracks and Johnny did the same. “What makes you think that?”

Johnny frowned. “Whenever you say he’s had a B.M. and shower him, his hair’s always wet. So I was thinking, how could that possibly work, and I figured he must be slinging.”

Doyoung looked conflicted, shifting on his feet and glancing away from Johnny. “I thought you hadn’t noticed.”

Johnny sighed. “It’s my job to notice. And it’s _your_ job to keep me updated on what the kids are doing.”

Doyoung set off walking again, his shoulders sagging. “You know when Taeil brought Hyuck in late and asked to talk to me?” Johnny nodded. “He asked me if we could start showering Donghyuck at school.”

Johnny frowned. “Why? And why didn’t any of you tell me about it?”

“I’m sorry, Johnny. He asked us not to. You’ll have to ask him about it, you should hear about it from him.”

Dread settled heavy in Johnny’s stomach and he pulled out his phone, opening up his texts with Taeil.

 

 **[Sent, 12:25pm]** Hi Taeil, I was just wondering if you would be free after school today for a chat? I’d like to ask you some questions about Donghyuck’s recent behaviour

 **[Moon Taeil, 1:01pm]** Hi Johnny, would you like me there at three?

 **[Sent, 1:04pm]** That would be great, thanks. I’ll see you then

 

Donghyuck was sitting next to his father with an iPad, headphones plugged in. Taeil glanced down to the screen, looking small even in the child-sized chair. His shoulders were hunched as if he was on guard, and it made Johnny’s heart ache.

“I asked Doyoung why Donghyuck was having full showers at school today.” Taeil made eye contact then, looking like a deer in the headlights. “He told me I’d have to ask you.”

A range of emotions passed over Taeil’s face before they gave way to resignation. His body language shifted all at once, almost as if he was melting into the chair. “I asked them to.”

“I gathered that,” Johnny said gently, trying to be delicate with Taeil. “But I’m just trying to figure out why he would need to be showered at school instead of at home.”

Taeil took in a sharp breath before turning to lift one side of Donghyuck’s headphones. “Can you go and sit behind the screen for me bub?” Donghyuck looked confused, but he complied. “Thank you darling.”

When Donghyuck was out of sight, tucked away in a corner of the room, Taeil slumped forward onto the table, his back shaking as he let out small whimpers. It took Johnny a moment to realise that he was crying, still trying to keep quiet and suppress the sobs that threatened to wrack his body. When Taeil started to let go, really sob into his arms, Johnny got up and walked over to the sink in the corner, ripping a handful of tissues out of the dispenser before taking his seat again. He put them down on the table between them and waited for Taeil to calm down.

It took a few minutes and when Taeil lifted his head, Johnny’s heart dropped. Face damp and flushed, he wiped at his cheeks, grabbing a tissue and using it to blow his nose. Still, Johnny waited until Taeil was ready to talk, his voice ragged and thin.

“We got kicked out of the house, uh, pretty soon after the notice came.” Taeil sniffed deeply, avoiding eye contact with Johnny. “I’m trying to find somewhere to stay, but it’s hard, you know? So in the meantime, we’re just in my car.”

The silence rang loud in Johnny’s ears. It made sense, why Donghyuck was having McDonald’s for breakfast more and more often, why he was being showered at school, why he seemed more tired than usual. An image came into Johnny’s mind of the two of them cramped in the small car, all their belongings around them and parked near the school. Donghyuck never slept well to begin with, let alone in a car when the weather was less than warm. He held back tears himself, swallowing thickly as he placed a hand on Taeil’s shoulder.

“I’m so, _so_ sorry to hear that Taeil.” Taeil just hung his head, tears falling onto the table. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Taeil sighed, lifting his head and running hands through his short hair. “You’ve already done so much for us; I didn’t want to worry you anymore.”

“This is the exact thing I need to be worrying about, Taeil.” He held up a hand as Taeil’s mouth opened. “No need to apologise.”

The sigh that Taeil let out deflated him. “I don’t know what to do anymore. No one wants to live with an autistic child, no one wants rent from someone on the dole, I don’t have any family to lean back on, Donghyuck’s mother isn’t answering my calls.” His voice shook, but it seemed as though he’d run out of tears. “I have _nothing_ , Johnny.”

Johnny blurted it out before he could think it through.

“Stay with me.”

Taeil reeled back. “I can’t ask that of you.”

He was right, he couldn’t. Johnny shouldn’t have offered in the first place, and he knew that it crossed so many lines. But seeing Taeil so worn down and broken felt like a hole was opening up in Johnny’s chest, his throat closing up as he tried his hardest not to cry.

“You don’t have to. I live a five minute drive from here, with a _bed_ that you and Donghyuck can sleep in. You shouldn’t be cramped up in that car, it’s not good for him. Or you,” Johnny added, the back of his neck burning. “And it won’t be forever. Just until you find somewhere else.”

Taeil seemed to weigh his options in his head, looking over to where Donghyuck was hidden behind the screen. He shut his eyes, voice barely a whisper when he spoke.

“Okay.”

Johnny was taken aback. “Okay?”

Taeil nodded, looking up at the ceiling as if to drain away his tears. “Okay. I feel fucking awful about it, and I’m only saying yes because my back is killing me and Donghyuck hasn’t had a proper meal in weeks, but yes.”

Johnny nodded. Standing up and going to get his bag and keys from his desk. “I’ll lead the way, you can follow behind me and park out the front of the house. It might be a little messy, and I’ll have to set the room up, but it’ll all work out, Taeil.”

Taeil stood up and went to get his son, Donghyuck whining a little at the loss of the iPad. Taeil crouched down next to him.

“We’re going to stay with Johnny for a few nights, okay buddy?”

Donghyuck looked over his shoulder at Johnny. “Like a sleep over?”

Johnny huffed a laugh. “Yeah, like a sleep over.”

Donghyuck nodded, standing up from his chair and fitting his hand into his father’s. Taeil smiled down at him before looking back up to Johnny.

“I can’t say thank you enough, Johnny.”

“Then don’t.” Johnny jingled his keys in his pocket. “Let’s get going, or Ten’s going to wonder why I’m taking so long.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me vs. not crying at my own writing


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for reclaimed slur in the first paragraph hehe

Johnny didn’t have a chance to text Ten, warn him that they were going to have visitors. Which is why as soon as the three of them stepped in the door of the house, Ten rounded the corner yelling; “What took you so long, faggot?”

He stopped in his tracks, smile slowly falling. The room was silent for a moment before Donghyuck pulled on his father’s sleeve.

“Papa, what’s a –”

Taeil slapped a hand over Donghyuck’s mouth. “Bad word, Hyuckie. We don’t say that.”

When Johnny looked back at Ten, his face was red with shame. “Good one.”

Ten’s mouth opened and closed a few times before he was able to gather himself. “I’m gay,” he blurted out, and Johnny had to stop himself from braining himself with his own two hands. “Not homophobic.”

Taeil nodded, but he still looked uncomfortable as he looked back down to Donghyuck. “Never say that word, okay darling?”

“Okay.” Donghyuck stomped forward, the aglets on his trainers clicking against the hardwood floor until he was standing at Ten’s feet. “Who are you?”

Ten’s face softened, understanding that it was easy for Donghyuck to forget people. “I’m Ten, it’s nice to meet you.”

Donghyuck surveyed Ten’s outstretched hand before taking it in his own. “I’m Donghyuck.”

Ten looked up at Taeil, hand still clasped in Donghyuck’s. “We’ve met before, I used to teacher aide in Johnny’s class last year.”

Taeil nodded. “Ten, right? I take it Johnny hasn’t told you.”

Finally, Ten turned to look at Johnny, who shifted on his feet. “They’re gonna stay here for a few days, just till they find somewhere else.”

“Okay, I take it they’ll stay in your room?” Johnny nodded. “You might wanna clean it then.”

Ten helped Taeil unpack the car while Donghyuck stood in the doorway and watched Johnny strip his bed. His room was pretty tidy as it was, he just needed to throw a few bits of clothing in the laundry basket and put new sheets on the bed. He let Donghyuck choose the new linen; an old, faded green set that Johnny’s mother had bought when he first moved from a cot to a bed. Donghyuck giggled when Johnny shook the duvet into the cover, making ripples in the air that blew Donghyuck’s hair back from his face. Taeil joined them, wearing a backpack and holding a storage box full of toys against his chest.

“I hope you don’t mind me bringing these in,” he said, placing the box on the bed. “I’ll try to keep the room tidy.”

Johnny smiled as he ruffled Donghyuck’s hair. “Don’t worry about it, I know what this one’s like.”

Donghyuck frowned. “I _can_ tidy.”

Taeil looked up at Johnny. “Are you sure you don’t mind us using your bedroom?”

Johnny shrugged. “It’s fine, Ten and I have shared a bed plenty of times.”

“Well, it’s very kind of you. Hyuckie, can you say thank you to Johnny?”

Donghyuck didn’t move his focus from trying to pry open the box of toys, but he still mumbled a “Thank you Johnny.”

 Johnny packed up some work clothes and pyjamas, plus his laptop and phone charger to take into Ten’s room with him. Ten was waiting on his bed for him, arms folded across his chest. Johnny shut the door gently behind him.

“Why the fuck is one of your students living in our house?”

“Hey,” Johnny said quietly, setting his things down and sitting next to Ten, “keep your voice down.” He let out a sigh. “They were living in their car, Ten.”

Ten’s face softened, his shoulders sagging. “Shit, okay. I take back being mad at you.”

Johnny leant his head on Ten’s shoulder, Ten’s hand coming up to card through his hair. “He was sobbing in the classroom and all I could think was that he doesn’t deserve everything that’s happened to him. I’m gonna help him apply for state housing or something, I just couldn’t bear to see him struggling.”

Ten wrapped his arms around Johnny’s middle, pulling him to lie down on the bed. They readjusted so Johnny was the little spoon, facing the door while Ten’s nose rubbed between his shoulder blades and a hand ran comfortingly up his side.

“You have such a big heart, Johnny.”

Johnny scoffed. “You would’ve done the same if you saw how broken he was.” He scrunched his eyes shut.

They lay there for a while, Johnny letting Ten pull all the stress out of him. Johnny heard feet padding from his room up the hall to Ten’s followed by a knock on the door.

Johnny blotted a tear on the bed sheets before saying it was okay to come in.

Taeil peaked around the door, frowning. “Where’s Ten?”

Ten sat up behind Johnny. “I’m here, Johnny’s just massive. What’s up?”

Taeil hesitated, giving a small shake of his head. “Just wanted to ask you guys what you usually do for dinner. Donghyuck’s pretty picky, so.”

Ten nodded. “Johnny, help me up.” Johnny got up off the bed to give Ten a hand, then passing him his walking stick. “I make dinner in this house; Johnny’s useless. Come see what we have in the kitchen and we’ll figure out something he can have.”

Johnny sat in the living room with Donghyuck while Ten and Taeil moved around the kitchen together. Donghyuck’s eyes were drooping while he leant against Johnny’s side, mindless cartoons playing on the television. Johnny looked over his shoulder to where Taeil was chatting happily with Ten.

“Taeil?”

Taeil looked over, walking up to the couch and reaching a hand down to scratch lightly at Donghyuck’s scalp. “What’s up?”

“He’s pretty tired, do you want me to put him to bed?”

Taeil bit his lip in thought and Johnny had to avert his eyes. “No, I’ll wait till he’s eaten. If I let him sleep now, he won’t sleep later.”

Johnny nodded. “That makes sense.”

Taeil shook Donghyuck’s shoulder lightly. “Sit up, bub. Dinner’s nearly ready.”

Ten had made something easy; potato bake with beans, peas and cucumber. Taeil thanked him for putting in the effort to make green food, and Ten apologised that they didn’t have more. Donghyuck seemed happy to eat an entire bowl of the vegetables, curling up in his father’s lap on the couch when he was finished. Taeil set his plate down on the coffee table and gathered Donghyuck up into his arms.

“Where’s your bathroom? I’ll get him tidied up and then put him to bed.”

Johnny stood up and showed him down the hall to the bathroom, Taeil’s eyes lingering on the shower with a bathtub. Johnny chuckled, leaning his shoulder against the door frame.

“You can have a bath if you want. Ten has a stash of bath bombs under the sink that you’re welcome to help yourself to.”

Taeil seemed conflicted while he squeezed some toothpaste on Donghyuck’s brush. “I honestly can’t remember the last time I had a shower more than two minutes long.”

Johnny’s heart twinged. “I don’t know how you managed.”

Taeil shrugged, keeping a close eye on Donghyuck while he brushed his teeth. “There’s some showers down by the beach that I used, but they were pretty gross so I didn’t like staying there for too long. Taeyong and Doyoung kept Donghyuck clean at school, which helped a lot. You make things work, when you have nothing.”

Johnny held himself back from throwing his arms around Taeil. He cleared his throat. “I was thinking, if you wanted I could help you put in an application for state housing. And now that you’re here, it should hopefully be easier to find places. You can use my laptop while I’m at work and you won’t have to worry about groceries –”

Taeil walked over and put a hand on Johnny’s bicep. “Johnny, thank you. This, all of this,” he gestured generally to the house, “is going to make such a huge difference, even if it’s just for a short time.” He let out a sigh. “I can’t wait to be clean for once. And sleep in a bed.”

Donghyuck spat his toothpaste into the sink, rinsing his toothbrush and putting it on the side. He walked up to Taeil and gave him a smile so wide his eyes disappeared. Taeil leant down, a thumb on his son’s chin as he looked at his teeth. When he was satisfied, Taeil straightened up.

“Good job bubba. Let’s get you ready for bed.”

Johnny went back to the living room and finished his dinner, taking Ten’s empty plate up and doing the dishes while Taeil put Donghyuck to bed. He was taking a while, so Johnny picked up the half-eaten plate and put it in the oven on a low heat to keep warm. He re-joined Ten on the couch, who had flicked the channel over to watch _The Graham Norton Show_.

“Who’s on it?”

“No one you care about.” Ten turned to look down the hall way as a squeal was heard. “I was just sick of those fucking cartoons.”

Johnny laughed. “You don’t know the half of it. If I have to listen to one more song in the tune of _Frère Jacques,_ I’m going to off myself.”

“God you’re so dramatic.” Ten’s eyes suddenly went wide and he slapped his thigh. “I just had the best idea, wait here.”

Johnny was left alone in the living room as Ten disappeared into his room. The soft voices from his own bedroom slowly died down and Taeil emerged, looking relieved.

“It’s so much easier when he’s in a real bed.” He fell onto the couch, body going limp like a ragdoll.

Johnny stood up with a chuckle, getting Taeil’s unfinished dinner out of the oven and putting it back on the coffee table. “This is still warm if you’re hungry.”

Taeil made an appreciative noise as he moved the plate to his lap and ate what was left. Johnny was caught watching him when Ten came back into the room and laughed.

“Look what I found.”

He put the large book on the table and Johnny recognised it as Ten’s photo album. It was mostly photos of Ten, but had ones of Johnny as well; photos that Ten had stolen from Johnny’s parents’ photo albums or photos from their childhood that Ten had printed out to stick in the pages. It chronicled Ten’s whole life, and therefor Johnny’s alongside him. It made Johnny a little nervous, and he was thankful when Ten looked to him.

“Do you mind?”

Johnny shook his head, leaning forward to see better. “It’s okay, it’s been a while since I’ve seen all of them.”

“What is it?” Taeil asked, peering at the album with clear curiosity.

“Photo album,” Ten explained, flipping it open to the first page. “Mostly me, but there’s loads of stuff of Johnny in here. Like here, look.”

The photo he was pointing to was on the first page – all of the photos were in chronological order – and was of Johnny’s mother holding him in the hospital, shortly after he was born. Ten flipped the page and started cooing over a photo of Johnny when he was a bit older, dressed in a burgundy corduroy dungaree dress with sunflowers on it, his thick black hair tied into pigtails while he gripped his Pooh Bear soft toy under his arm. Johnny felt his face heating up as he looked at his own chubby cheeks.

“Anyway after that it’s mostly me, but we don’t care about that.” Ten held his tongue between his teeth as he flipped through pages and pages of the first five years of his life until he found the photo of their first day at school together. “Oh god, look at us.”

They were wearing school uniform; navy blue polo shirts far too big for their narrow shoulders. Ten was still using his walker at that point, red with stickers all over it. Johnny was wearing a pleated skirt, one arm around Ten’s shoulders while he beamed at the camera. His hair was a bit longer, resting on his shoulders with a tiny pony tail where his fringe would have been.

Taeil was frowning at the photo, finger hovering above Johnny as he pointed at him. “Who’s that?”

Johnny cleared his throat. “That’s me.” There followed a silence and Johnny elaborated. “I was assigned female at birth, but I transitioned a few years ago.”

Ten looked up as he did the maths in his head. “Holy shit it’s already been six years.”

Johnny nodded. “Yeah, about that long.” He glanced up at Taeil, whose face was unreadable. “I hope this doesn’t change anything for you, Taeil.”

Taeil blinked once, then shaking his head. “No, no of course it doesn’t. I just wasn’t expecting it, that’s all.”

“Okay, good.”

Ten rolled his eyes, clearly annoyed with the tension that had settled over them. “Yeah, good. I’d hate to have to kick you out again for being a transphobe.”

Johnny stuck an elbow into Ten’s ribcage, making him yelp. “You can’t say that Ten, Jesus.”

“Well, I just did. Hold on, I think I have photos of your emo phase in here somewhere.”

Johnny enjoyed watching the evolution of how he presented. His mother never dressed him in pinks and purples, but it was clear that she only bought him traditionally feminine clothing. When he got his first job at the age of fifteen, working at a thrift shop, he started getting more experimental. He formed a fixation with “boyfriend jeans”, buying himself oversized jumpers from the men’s section and loose fitting shirts with no shape to them. By the time the photo album got to their last year of high school, Johnny had chosen his new name and chopped his hair to a tidy undercut. It had gotten longer since then; he liked having something to twirl around his finger. But at the time he’d just wanted to be as male presenting as possible.

There was a photo of Johnny during his first year of study, a few weeks after his top surgery. He was wearing a tight shirt for the first time, smile wide as he threw a thumbs up. Despite it being so long ago, Johnny still teared up, remembering how happy he had been to look down at his chest and seeing it flat. Remembering how he and Ten had burned all his old bras and binders, not having any need for them anymore. It had been a huge turning point for his self-esteem, allowing him to wear the clothes he wanted to and get misgendered far less.

Taeil seemed to pick up on it. “You look so happy.”

Ten snorted. “He walked around the flat shirtless for a whole month after that.”

Taeil had a sudden coughing fit while Johnny elbowed Ten again. “Can you please develop a filter?”

“No.”

“Okay.” Johnny frowned. “Taeil, do you want a glass of water?”

Taeil held up a hand. “No,” he rasped, “no I’m alright, thank you.”

Ten smirked and Johnny had to try hard not to really hit him. They made their way through their years of study, Johnny’s two graduations and his first day working at the school. Ten’s first day working at the Herald, when they got given the keys to their first house, all the way up to the present day. The most recent photo was of the two of them on the beach, Johnny holding Ten over his shoulder while Ten drummed his fists against his back. Johnny was smiling, his eyes crinkling and with his scars visible only as pale lines below his chest. Ten slammed the photo album shut, leaning back to rub the heels of his hands against his eyes.

“I need to sleep, oh my god.”

Johnny hummed. “Don’t wait up for me.”

“I wasn’t going to.”

Johnny and Taeil laughed as Ten reached for his walking stick. He pulled himself up and made his way down the hall into the bathroom. Johnny readjusted on the couch now that there was more room for him. He rested his elbow on the back of it, leaning his cheek into his hand.

“He doesn’t think before he speaks.”

Taeil snorted. “I picked up on that.” He scratched at his side burn. “I hope you don’t feel like I’ll think differently of you, by the way. If anything, I’ve got more respect for you now.” Taeil’s face was open and honest and Johnny’s heart swelled.

“That’s nice of you to say, Taeil. Sorry if Ten got defensive about it, he’s seen me go through a lot.”

Taeil nodded, shifting on the couch so he was facing Johnny with his feet up on the couch. With how long Johnny’s legs were, Taeil’s toes came to rest just under Johnny’s knee, and although it wasn’t much it made Johnny’s heart speed up.

“I can only imagine. Not only to be part of that community, but also to be part of a racial minority, that must be tough.”

“My parents took a bit of convincing, but they’ve come a long way. Mum even calls me Johnny most of the time.”

Taeil winced. “I worry about Donghyuck, sometimes, being mixed race. I’m happy to teach him everything I can about what it means to be Korean, but what happens when he wants to learn about the Philippines?”

“I didn’t know his mother was Pinoy.”

Taeil laughed. “She certainly was. Gemma was always so proud of it; I feel like I’m letting her down somehow.”

Johnny rubbed at the back of his neck. “I never really knew her that well.”

“I suppose that’s true. She didn’t stick around for long after he started school, did she?”

“Is she still in the picture at all?”

Taeil shook his head with a sigh, leaning his head on the back of the couch in a way that made his cheek squish a little. “No. She basically told me she didn’t want anything to do with me or Donghyuck.” His eyebrows came together. “I think she’s remarried now, one of our old friends told me a few months ago. But I haven’t spoken to her since the divorce.”

Taeil had never really talked to Johnny about what happened with his ex-wife. When he was going through the divorce it was too raw for him to talk about, and after a while Johnny felt it awkward to bring up.

“Do you not get child support from her?”

“No, I felt bad asking her for that. Wish I had, though. Maybe then I wouldn’t be in this whole mess.”

Johnny returned the sad smile Taeil gave him. “We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

“No, it’s nice, actually. I feel like I don’t have a social life anymore because everything is about Donghyuck all the time. I never got to like, talk through my feelings or anything.” He let out a sigh, eyes fixing on Johnny’s knee. “She was my childhood sweetheart, you know? We were together for something like eight years before I proposed, got married after she finished her studying, had Hyuck, had a house, a dog. We had it all. And now I’m thirty-four, homeless with an autistic child and no job. I’ve been hovering above rock bottom for the past two years with no one to help me.” He swallowed thickly, eyes shining. “Which is why this all means so much to me, Johnny.”

Johnny laid a hand palm up on his own knee, again giving Taeil the decision on whether or not he wanted the contact. Taeil immediately threaded their fingers together.

“Would you mind if I said something that admin might see as inappropriate?”

Taeil let out what Johnny could only describe as a giggle. “Not at all, Johnny.”

Johnny took a steadying breath before he started. “I’ve seen my fair share of parents over the three years I’ve been working as a teacher, and even more in the four years of teacher aiding I did before that. All of them love their children, of course. But watching you with Donghyuck, how hard you’ve fought to give him the best possible life and the best possible education, it’s so touching. You’ve been through so much and never _once_ have I seen your love for that boy falter. A lot of people out there aren’t as strong as that, and it amazes me how strong you’ve stayed for him.”

Johnny could see the tears in Taeil’s eyes welling up, and before he could apologise, Taeil was lunging forward, wrapping his arms around Johnny’s middle and pressing his face to Johnny’s chest. Johnny hesitated, a little taken aback before he settled his hands on Taeil’s back, letting him sob while Johnny rubbed his skin.

“I’m sorry,” Taeil said between wet gasps, “I’m sorry I just, god.” He sat up, still sitting close to Johnny as he wiped under his eyes. “I don’t expect any praise or anything for what I do; I’m just trying to do right by my son. But it’s _so_ good to have someone tell me that I’m actually doing a good job at this.”

Johnny pulled Taeil back in, one hand cradling the back of his head while his other hand trailed up and down Taeil’s spine. “You’re doing an amazing job; especially given the shit hand you’ve been dealt.”

“Thank you so much, Johnny. I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything. You deserve to have a break.”

It took Taeil a while to calm down again, but after he did he made no move to sit up, so Johnny moved his legs to a more comfortable position. His back slid down the couch and somehow, Taeil shifted to lay between Johnny’s legs. Taeil let out yet another sigh, relaxing his weight against Johnny, whose heart sped up again. They lay together for a moment before Johnny noticed Taeil’s breathing slowing down, getting deeper.

“You should get some sleep.”

Taeil lifted his head, looking down at Johnny. Their faces weren’t by any means close, but they were closer than Johnny was expecting, and he forced himself to maintain eye contact.

“I should. I’ve been living off three hours a night and car seats don’t lie down flat.”

Taeil’s hair was ruffled and sticking out a little when he stood up, the ends of it catching in the artificial yellow of the light bulb. His face had a post-cry glow to it and Johnny’s breath hitched.

“That sounds awful, your poor back.”

“Mm, that’s a good point.” He leant back, his spine letting out a series of cracks. “Goodnight, Johnny. And thank you again.”

Johnny waved a hand. “It’s nothing. Sleep well.”

When Johnny finally made his way into Ten’s bed, Ten rolled over to look at him immediately.

“I tried not to wake you,” Johnny whispered.

“You have the heaviest foot fall in the world, Johnny.” He yawned loudly, stretching his arms out. “How’s Taeil doing?”

Johnny shuffled over in the bed, grabbing Ten’s arm and positioning it under his neck. “He’s tired and stressed, but I think he’s doing a bit better now. Is it bad that I kinda hope he stays longer than a few days?”

“Nah. Honestly I feel the same way, the man clearly needs real food and a real shower and a real bed. I’m happy to share a room with your stinky ass and too long legs if it means he gets that.”

Johnny kicked lightly at Ten’s shins. “Fuck you.”

 “Go to sleep, Johnny. It’s late.”

“Ten?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

Ten planted a kiss on the top of Johnny’s head. “I love you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trans man johnny r i s e !!!!!   
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/seoqian) / [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/soonsqyu)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> four square is a common convenience store line in new zealand which means that this is yes, set in new zealand which means that Yes, johnny has a kiwi accent

When Johnny woke up, it was to a small finger jabbing into his cheek. He scrunched up his face, prying his eyes slowly open to see Donghyuck scowling at him. After a few moments of his brain playing catch up, he realised why his student was in his house and managed a smile.

“Morning, Hyuckie.”

Donghyuck tried for a whisper that was mostly spit. “I’m hungry.”

Johnny heaved himself out of bed, glancing at his phone screen to see it was four in the morning and then leading Donghyuck out of the bedroom. He closed the door gently behind him, trying to peek through the small gap in the door to his own bedroom. Taeil was little more than a vague lump beneath the bedsheets. Donghyuck grasped onto Johnny’s fingers tightly, tugging on his sleeve with his other hand.

“Let’s get you some food, shall we?”

Donghyuck beamed up at him.

Johnny found some fruit loops and the two of them poured it into a bowl, sorting out the colours so that Donghyuck had all the green ones and Johnny could have the rest. Johnny’s bowl was of course much fuller than Donghyuck’s, but Donghyuck seemed happy. After Donghyuck had finished his bowl, he watched Johnny intently.

“Papa keeps crying.”

Johnny’s heart plummeted. “Don’t worry about your father, Hyuckie.”

“It keeps me awake.” Donghyuck picked at the table cloth. “Is he hurt?”

Johnny chewed for a while, trying to figure out how to word his answer. “Sometimes, when people are old –”

“Like you and Papa?”

Johnny smiled. “Like Papa and me. When people are old they have a lot to think about. Sometimes, thinking can hurt people.”

Donghyuck nodded. “Papa likes eggs.”

Donghyuck didn’t understand what his father was going through. He didn’t understand the exhaustion that settled in his Taeil’s bones, or the pain he felt as he tried to support his child. Donghyuck barely understood that other people _existed_ a lot of the time, other than being tools for him to use. But there he was, showing some level of compassion, telling Johnny that his father might like eggs for breakfast. Johnny blinked back tears of pride and checked his watch.

“How about we watch some TV for a while and then we can make your dad some eggs. It’s still a bit early for him, so we should let him sleep.”

Donghyuck wrinkled his nose. “I don’t like sleep.”

Johnny tried to keep his laughter quiet as he reached out to ruffle Donghyuck’s hair. “That’ll change when you’re older.”

“When thinking starts to hurt?”

Johnny bit his lip. “Hopefully it won’t for you. Come on, let’s pack up the cereal and get some cartoons going.”

Donghyuck nodded off between ad breaks and theme songs, but he woke up again at around eight o’clock, by which time Ten had risen and was pottering around the kitchen. Donghyuck bounced over to his side and beamed up at him.

“Johnny’s helping me make eggs for Papa.”

Ten reached down to squeeze Donghyuck’s shoulder, his dressing gown sleeve falling over his fingers. “Can I help as well?” When Donghyuck looked unsure, Ten leant down and stage whispered, “I’ll tell you a secret; Johnny can’t cook eggs.”

Donghyuck giggled as Johnny dragged one of the kitchen chairs over for Donghyuck to stand on. Johnny set about doing the one thing he _was_ good at in the kitchen; making coffee. He had trained as a barista in high school after he’d quit the job at the op shop. He let the machine warm up and poured some milk into a jug to do some basic foam art, watching Ten show Donghyuck hand over hand how to crack an egg.

The sound of Johnny steaming the milk must have woken Taeil up as he traipsed down the hallway and fell into a chair at the table. Donghyuck turned around, grinning widely at his father.

“I’m making eggs!”

“Good boy, Hyuckie!” Taeil said, his voice raspy.

Johnny joined him at the table, passing him a cup of coffee. “I wasn’t sure how you like it so I just made a latte.”

Taeil placed both hands around the mug, fingers flexing around the heat of the china. “That’s perfect, thank you Johnny.”

Johnny nodded over to where Donghyuck had turned back to watch Ten work over the stove. “He suggested that he make eggs for you. I’ve never seen him want to do something nice for anyone other than Jaemin.”

Taeil laughed, bringing the cup up to his mouth to take a sip. Johnny tried not to stare at Taeil’s lips. “He really does love that boy. It’s a shame I haven’t met Jaemin’s parents; I could organise for them to see each other outside of school.”

Jaemin’s mothers both worked a lot, meaning that Jaemin came to and from school in a taxi. Yoomin came in more often than his other mother, who was away a lot on business, but both of them loved their son more than anything.

“I’ll have to ask his mother next time I see her if she’d like your phone number, I’m sure she’d be thrilled that Jaemin was making friends.”

Taeil’s face shifted, his brow furrowing and his eyes shifting their focus away from Johnny’s face. “Yeah, maybe.”

It seemed significant to Johnny. There could be several reasons for the change in demeanour; embarrassment about his living situation, being out of practice socialising with other parents, not being able to afford to take his son out somewhere with his friend. Johnny decided not to ask about it.

Instead, he sucked in a breath and sat up straighter. “I was thinking, since you and Hyuck will be here a couple nights, we could do a shopping trip to buy some green food for him. And there’s a nice park around the corner with a playground that we can take Hyuck for a walk to.”

Taeil found Johnny’s face again and gave him a tight-lipped smile. “That sounds good.”

Donghyuck jumped down from the chair into a crouching position, slapping the kitchen floor a few times before standing up straight and tapping a finger into Taeil’s cheek a few times.

“Papa?”

“Yes, my love?”

“Eggs are ready.”

Taeil smiled down at him, and Johnny couldn’t see his teeth, but he could see the years melt away from his face. “Thank you, darling.”

 

A sense of déjà vu settled over Johnny as he walked the aisles of the Four Square, Taeil pushing the trolley with Donghyuck between his arms, standing on tiptoes to reach the bar. They had green fettuccine, green crackers, green cupcakes, and a bunch of vegetables and fruit to match. Once they got to the check out, Taeil slung his backpack off his shoulders and started rummaging around. When he pulled out his wallet, Johnny touched his hand gently to Taeil’s wrist.

“I’m happy to cover this if you want.”

Taeil didn’t meet his eyes. “I can afford food. It’s cheaper than housing.”

Johnny winced and retracted his hand. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Taeil fixed a smile as he talked to the cashier, and Donghyuck latched onto Johnny’s leg.

They used Johnny’s reusable shopping bags, (Ten had shoved them into Taeil’s arms as they left; “I will not have single use plastic in my home”), and as they walked across the car park to Johnny’s car, he had to stop himself from feeling too domestic. They’d put Donghyuck’s car seat behind Johnny so that Taeil could turn around and look at him more easily. Taeil had taken the seat belt lock out of his car to fix in Johnny’s; a small plastic cage that went over the belt buckle. It had a small opening in the top the size of a keyhole, so the belt could only be released if you had a key to stick in it. The school had provided it for Taeil after Donghyuck had started undoing his seatbelt and climbing into the front while Taeil was driving down the highway at eighty kilometres an hour.

At a stop light, Johnny allowed himself a glance at Taeil in the passenger seat. He had loosened his seatbelt, neck craned to check on Donghyuck in the back. Johnny followed the tendon in the side of his neck as it led down to Taeil’s collarbone, peeking out from his white shirt that had been pulled taught across his chest. Before he could stop himself, Johnny wet his bottom lip with his tongue.

A loud honk from the car behind them made Johnny jump, and he looked forward to see the light had turned green. He sped away, lifting a hand in an apology to the driver behind him.

“You okay?”

Johnny tried to will down the heat in his cheeks. “Yeah, just got distracted.” He thought frantically of something to say. “Uh, did you get anything that needs to be refrigerated?”

Taeil thought for a moment. Or, Johnny assumed he did because Taeil was silent and Johnny was too busy staring at the road ahead to avoid eye contact to check what state he was in.

“I don’t think so.”

“Okay. Did you still want to check out that park?”

It was still somewhat early in the morning, so there weren’t many people there. Any other people they saw were out for a run or walking their dogs, so Donghyuck had the playground all to himself. Johnny started off playing a chasing game with him – always a hit with autistic children, for some reason Johnny couldn’t figure out – but quickly grew tired and joined Taeil on the park bench. For someone so small, Donghyuck was surprisingly agile as he swung from monkey bars and leapt from one piece of equipment to the other.

They watched Donghyuck in silence for a while, and then Johnny noticed that Taeil was shifting uncomfortably. It seemed almost as if he was nervous, which in turn made Johnny nervous. He tried to focus on Donghyuck, who was reaching out for the fireman pole, letting his chubby hands fall against it as he leant across the open space. Then his chest, then his legs came forward to wrap around the metal. Johnny could hear the sound of his sweaty palms against the cold metal as he slid jerkily down to the bark, giggling the whole way down.

“I called one of my mutual friends with Gemma.”

Johnny turned to look at Taeil, but he was facing forward, watching his son clamber up a ladder to slide down the pole again.

“What about?”

“I asked her for Gemma’s number, and she eventually gave it to me.” Taeil let out a shaky breath. “I want to at least _try_ to get her help. But it’s scary, I guess.”

Johnny nodded, although Taeil still wasn’t looking at him. “Exes are scary.”

“I don’t think that I –” Taeil started, then cut himself off. He shook his head, eyes falling to his hands as they twisted together in his lap. “Sorry, I’m way oversharing with you.”

As the parent of one of Johnny’s students, that was true. But as someone who was staying in Johnny’s house, sleeping in his bed, Johnny didn’t think the work rules applied anymore.

He had to choose his words carefully. “Taeil, I want to be able to support you as much as I can. The more I can help you, the more I help Donghyuck figure out his place in the world and how it all works. If I can understand you better as his parent – not anything you don’t want to share, of course – that’s going to help me teach Donghyuck better.” Johnny didn’t know if this was true, but it sounded good once he said it. “You’re in a spot, at the moment, and sometimes talking things through with someone can help get you out of a spot. So I’m happy to just listen, if that’s what you need.”

For a moment, the only sounds around them were Donghyuck’s giggles and the bark beneath his feet.

“I don’t think I’m in love with Gemma anymore. Which is weird, because most of my life has been spent loving her.” Taeil’s face hardened, and when he finally met Johnny’s eyes, his own were angry. “Now I’m just mad. And betrayed, and so just, fucking _angry_. How could she do that to Donghyuck? And she’s off with her new husband and her new life, sitting on all this money because she owns her own practice while her son, who she spent so long wanting, has _nothing_.”

His words rang in Johnny’s head. Taeil took a steadying breath. Donghyuck’s palms gripped against the metal as he slid down the pole again.

When Taeil spoke again, his voice was calmer, more under control. “I think, when I feel ready to call her, could you be with me for it? Just, sit with me so I don’t feel like I’m on my own?”

The world keeled over, fell off its axis. Johnny knew that saying yes to this would be more than just a favour for the parent of his student. He knew that this, with all the emotions and how complicated they were, would be more dangerous than offering Taeil his bed. Alarm bells rang in his head, and Johnny was ready to draw the line.

He placed his hand on Taeil’s knee. “Of course.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this one is kinda short and sorry for the wait ! i was off work for like 6 weeks and had my wisdom teeth out so my motivation completely disappeared. but i'm back ! and this chapter marks a Shift in johnil's relationship hehe  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/seoqian) / [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/soonsqyu)


End file.
